Failure
by Misaki Kinomoto
Summary: "I am the reason Heaven is destroyed." An attempted psychoanalysis of Michael the Archangel by the angel himself.


**AN- OK, So this is an attempt to do an angel one-shot. I felt really bad for Michael, despite him being a real ass. And after finishing my Psych Exam I realized he wasn't really that hard to understand. That, and Destined Darkness's fic This is Father's Victory has done things to my head. This isn't an attempt to do something like that (I haven't even gotten to season 4, so I can't), but the bits I know about Michael, I psychoanalyzed and wrote it down.**

**I cried a bit when I wrote this. It's quite sad for him. **

**But pls, R&R. It'd mean a lot. **

**(PS. It's a practice thing for my other two SPN fics. I want well drawn characters. This will help me do that)**

**I was thinking that this could actually be a conversation with Lucifer in the Cage. But it can be in Michael's head too. Hell, it could be a letter he never sent. Or his diary. Anything works.**

**-x-x-x-x-**

I was the first to be born, the oldest of the archangels. That itself means I have more responsibility as a brother, and as a make-shift father when our Father is unable to raise us. I had to learn everything you young ones are taught the hard way. I had no one to guide me, except my Father, who was continuously caught up in creating the world. I know I should be resentful, should feel angry, but I can't. He's my Father. He demands trust and obedience, and I know I am only too willing to give them to Him. Perhaps the behavior is fueled by my need for Him to notice me. Everything I do, its subconsciously planned to gain His attention.

Then you were born. The Brightest Angel, the Morning Star. Father fawned over you. I felt my heart break. What did you have that I did not? Was I not good enough? Obedient enough? Did I not do His work without question? But nothing I did ever seemed enough. You were his favorite, and no matter what I did, I would never have that place in my Father's heart.

When I was ordered to send you to Hell…I knew. We were no sons. We were chess pieces, characters in an already scripted tv show who had no free will. And all you could harp on about was free will. How we were all given the ability to think for ourselves. Foolish brother. It's deceptive. You never realized. For us, there is no free will. That is for humans. Father gave you Free will, but it was only so you played perfectly and willingly to His tune. And I never wanted to send you away.

But understand me, brother. You never seemed to bother to understand my pain, hear my side. I loved you, LOVE you. I just wanted it to be over. To end it, and go back to the safer organized system that we had. I could no longer see everyone suffer.

Look at Raphael, Lucifer. Look at him. He's withdrawn so completely that no one, not even the still sane and normal angels like Castiel can get through to him. Heaven is breaking apart, and our little brother, the quiet, slightly bookish angel, the Archangel of wind, he's the one doing it.

He can no longer watch the suffering. He can no longer keep his façade up. He's broken. WE broke him. Because we were too late to realize that Father never loved us. We were too late to do our duty as big brothers. We should have known. We should have stopped it. Raphael would not be broken like this. He would be quiet, but happy, flying across the sky and randomly helping humans as he did in the old days.

And Gabriel. Dear sweet fledgling Gabriel….

If keeping him in heaven would have kept his heart from breaking, I would have tied him up and kept him in a cell. But I know better. I've seen the panic in his fledgling eyes when his two big brothers fought. I've seen the tears he fought to shed when he realized he had lost us both. I saw the resignation when he left. He loved us so much that he could no longer stand to look at Heaven. It was his personal Hell.

And I know you saw it, Lucifer. When you killed him, I know you felt remorse. You broke as well. Gabriel was the one keeping Heaven in place. He was the linchpin. Not you. Not me. And certainly not Father. The little fledgling who tripped over his own wings was the smartest one of all. He was the only one who knew Father's true intent.

As a brother, I know I've failed. As a son, I know I've failed. As an angel, I know I've failed.

My one and only desire was to protect the ones I loved. You, Gabriel, Raphael and all our little brothers and sister.

But I failed.

I broke them.

I am the reason Heaven is destroyed.

I am the reason you are in Hell.

I am the reason that Castiel can no longer go back to heaven.

I am a failure, Lucifer, and you were the only one who knew it.

-x-x-x-x-x-

**AN2- **

**This is actually the shortest work i've written... i think. But i hope you guys like it. I have a few things to say.**

**Firstly. I will be back (for good) on Thursday. So... expect an updated chapter in my stories, Elizabeth and Blood Red Wings. Both of which i'm proud of. :)**

**Secondly, I will be slightly slow in updating Rhode Knights because i need to reread and rewatch the war scene. For my perfectionist side.**

**Thirdly, I have at least 4 other SPN stories waiting to be published, so i'm basically going to be writing for god knows how many stories.**

**Yeah. That's all. Thanks. Again, reminder.**

**R&R!**

**Love, Misaki.**


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